I'm getting frustrated. I feel hopeless. I started college four and a half years ago and I just can't seem to do it right. Why does everybody else seem to have a handle on life? I was excited that my paycheck today was over $400. Four Hundred dollars is not a lot for a married guy trying to figure out how he's going to pay for a new apartment when he has to leave the one he's in. I know that everybody has their problems, and I should be happy for the things I do have, but sometimes it feels like I'm alone.
So what brought on this malaise, you may ask? Well, I decided to check my grades for last semester today and let's just say they aren't good. I only took two classes and I did my best in those classes, but certain circumstances made me unable to do certain things. The biggest problem was financial aid. It took so long for my school to get the money that by the time I got it all sorted out, it was almost finals. I had gone the whole semester without my books and, for one class at least, I needed that book to do the homework. I remembered every test and I passed most of them, but without the homework I was doomed.
I'm just sick of always feeling like the work I do isn't good enough. I pay attention in class, I attend as much of class as I can, I learn the material, I take notes, I prove my understanding to the teacher, I take the tests, but even with all of that I get in trouble because I can't adequately define in words what a "measure of significance" is. At work, I will take my clients all around town, I will take two people shopping in one day, I will make four different dinners and I will do it all within four hours and I barely get a "thanks." I just feel hopeless.
I'm tempted to post a link to this on Facebook, but I don't know if I should. I'm always afraid I'll get a bunch of comments that say something like, "It'll all get better," or, "At least you don't have such-and-such a problem." I know people are trying to be supportive, but I want real advice. What do I need to do to get my life where I want it? How does someone who sucks in school become successful in real life? Honestly, some of the only times I fell like I'm actually succeeding are when I'm playing with my band and the lead singer turns to me and says, "I like that!" Why can't I have more of that in my life? A boss that recognizes the work I do. A teacher that can see that I understand the material, even if I can't afford a book. A single person that's willing to build me up when I do my best and hold me up when I'm falling.
I know I should be thankful I have a job, or that I have the opportunity to get an education, or that I can afford to have a car. And I am. But an education is empty if it's just a series of filling out papers with the right answers. A job isn't fulfilling if you never get recognized for the work you do. A car is useless if you aren't able to adequately maintain it.
I have some ideas about what I want to do with my life. I always remember when I was a kid in Junior High, I think, and I heard in a class about what an entrepreneur was. I remember that at that moment I said to myself, "That's what I want to do." It wasn't just about the being my own boss, and I still have that dream even though I know that it means massive amounts of work. I think I've always had a drive to create something. I was four when I asked my mom to teach me to play the piano. As I kid my brother and sister and I would make up stories about different superhero teams like the Foodmen, or the Animalmen. When I was in school I would occasionally get the urge to write a story but I could never come up with a plot. I wrote songs about my life. I helped my brother build a micro-nation and wrote and entire constitution, bill of rights, and started to invent a language for the great Bardusterram. But in the business category, I've always had trouble sticking with ideas. The one that keeps coming to mind is building a restaurant, but I know next to nothing about how to do that. That's why I've been going to school, to learn those skills, but I can't jump through the hoops that they want me to.
So what am I supposed to do? Just drop out and start a business? I'd love to, to be honest, but I don't feel confident in my skills right now and I definitely don't have the money to do that. I have no idea how I'd interest anybody with the money to start up a company to give that money to me. I don't have some earth-shattering idea. I'm not Steve Jobs, or Mark Zuckerberg, or Richard Branson, or anybody you hear of with piles of money because they "thought outside the box." My idea is to take something I love, frybread, and sell it to people in a restaurant setting. That's it. I have no idea if it would be successful. I have no idea if it would be profitable. I don't even know if it would break even. All I know is that anybody I know that has had Native American Frybread has loved it. So maybe there's someone out there that would go with me on that idea, but I doubt it. I don't see my friends as risk takers, it's hard to be, with the world we live in.
Anyway, if you've found this blog it might be because I shared the link on Facebook, or it could be that you don't know me and you've stumbled upon it accidentally. In any case, thank you for reading the crazy thoughts of a guy that just feels like he let himself down. . .
Thank You.
First, I don't think it would be possible or appropriate for me to give you specific step-by step instructions on how to solve your problems. I do not know enough about your specific troubles for that. But I do feel it is appropriate for me to share how I deal stress similar to what you describe.
ReplyDeleteMy theories are based on what I was taught by a World Religions professor here at BYU-I and further developed though my own experiences.
Fist realize that there are two types of unhappiness we as humans experience; Pain, and Suffering. I define these two differently. Pain is unavoidable, a mere side effect of life. People die, you stub your toes, it rains sometime, these are things we cannot change. Feeling unhappy about these things is as natural as breathing and probably just as healthy.
Suffering, on the other hand, is entirely manufactured. It comes from either a failure to accept the pain or an obsession with the pain. My professor refereed to this as 'Shenpa' a word that means to be stuck, like a wagon wheel gets stuck in the mud. Suffering is the result of erroneous ideas that we should not have pain. This leads to us either focusing on the pain until it becomes all we can see, even long after it fades away, or ignoring it completely. Ignoring the pain is just as bad, or even worse. Pain is a feeling and as such demands to be felt. When we ignore it it becomes more and more forceful until it grows into a hulking beast we dare not face.
In short, Pain is something we cannot control and must accept and face head on, Suffering is the result of improper reactions to and expectations of pain.
To reduce suffering and enhance my ability to deal with pain I follow this pattern.
(part 1)
(part 2)
Delete1) Accept reality as it is. Life is neither inherently good or bad. It has a mix of happiness and sadness. Think of it like a garden. There are plants that you want to grow (the good things) and weeds (the bad things). Now you could spend all day pulling weeds with the idea that it will help your vegetables grow, but if you fail to water said vegetables of give them the care they need then they die and you are only left with weeds. Accepting life as it is is to accept that, yes, you have bad, unpleasant things to tend to, but you also have good things that need and deserve your attention. Some may get the notion that accepting reality is just another way to be cynical. Wrong. Cynicism is what happens when you focus only on the weeds. Focusing on the whole garden lets you see the good in your life. While you should deal with the bad things in your life, remember, the good things NEED and DESERVE your attention.
2) Breathe. Take time to stop, maybe only five minutes a day to meditate and breathe. I've found that this helps me step back from my problems for a time, shed the heavy emotions that I've accumulated and return ready to deal with them properly. Meditation is very easy once you get the hang of it. http://stillands.com/ http://mindfulness-solution.com/index.html
3) Relinquish and take control. There are two types of things in the world, things we can control and things we cannot. My general rule of thumb is to control things to the degree that I can, no more, no less. Accept the things that you cannot control or change, then, using the things you can control, work with it.
4) Do the things you like to do. Spend time with people you like and in places you like doing things you like. This is taking control of your time, you life. It leads to a great deal of happiness.
5) Expect nothing. A lot of suffering is caused by faulty expectations. From time to time I get depressed. It used to last for days until I had a bit of a meditative Epiphany. I had an expectation for my happiness that, because of the chemistry for my brain was not always realistic. Basically I would have a day where I would be a little bummed out. That didn't fit with my expectation that I should be happy. I would get stuck (Shenpa'd!) on the idea that I wasn't as happy as I should have been. Thus, suffering. Now I realize that parts of my emotions and feelings are out of my control and I cannot expect anything from them. I can only play the cards I'm dealt.
Now you mentioned that you want your life to be somewhere else. In that case I strongly recommend getting the most accurate appraisal of where you are right now, good and bad. You do not plot a course based on where you want to be on a map, but rather where you really are on the map. When you know fully where your life is right now then you can better decide how to direct it to where you want to be. Be careful, though that your dreams do not drain the happiness that already exists in your life.
Overall I would recommend to focus on that which you can control and which makes you happy, if only to help you regain emotional balance.
Well, there's some of your brother's cah-ray-zee theories. I have no expectation of how you will choose to react to it, because I cannot control you. So I won't get myself all shenpa'd over how, or even if you react.
I hope things get better for you.