I'm getting frustrated. I feel hopeless. I started college four and a half years ago and I just can't seem to do it right. Why does everybody else seem to have a handle on life? I was excited that my paycheck today was over $400. Four Hundred dollars is not a lot for a married guy trying to figure out how he's going to pay for a new apartment when he has to leave the one he's in. I know that everybody has their problems, and I should be happy for the things I do have, but sometimes it feels like I'm alone.
So what brought on this malaise, you may ask? Well, I decided to check my grades for last semester today and let's just say they aren't good. I only took two classes and I did my best in those classes, but certain circumstances made me unable to do certain things. The biggest problem was financial aid. It took so long for my school to get the money that by the time I got it all sorted out, it was almost finals. I had gone the whole semester without my books and, for one class at least, I needed that book to do the homework. I remembered every test and I passed most of them, but without the homework I was doomed.
I'm just sick of always feeling like the work I do isn't good enough. I pay attention in class, I attend as much of class as I can, I learn the material, I take notes, I prove my understanding to the teacher, I take the tests, but even with all of that I get in trouble because I can't adequately define in words what a "measure of significance" is. At work, I will take my clients all around town, I will take two people shopping in one day, I will make four different dinners and I will do it all within four hours and I barely get a "thanks." I just feel hopeless.
I'm tempted to post a link to this on Facebook, but I don't know if I should. I'm always afraid I'll get a bunch of comments that say something like, "It'll all get better," or, "At least you don't have such-and-such a problem." I know people are trying to be supportive, but I want real advice. What do I need to do to get my life where I want it? How does someone who sucks in school become successful in real life? Honestly, some of the only times I fell like I'm actually succeeding are when I'm playing with my band and the lead singer turns to me and says, "I like that!" Why can't I have more of that in my life? A boss that recognizes the work I do. A teacher that can see that I understand the material, even if I can't afford a book. A single person that's willing to build me up when I do my best and hold me up when I'm falling.
I know I should be thankful I have a job, or that I have the opportunity to get an education, or that I can afford to have a car. And I am. But an education is empty if it's just a series of filling out papers with the right answers. A job isn't fulfilling if you never get recognized for the work you do. A car is useless if you aren't able to adequately maintain it.
I have some ideas about what I want to do with my life. I always remember when I was a kid in Junior High, I think, and I heard in a class about what an entrepreneur was. I remember that at that moment I said to myself, "That's what I want to do." It wasn't just about the being my own boss, and I still have that dream even though I know that it means massive amounts of work. I think I've always had a drive to create something. I was four when I asked my mom to teach me to play the piano. As I kid my brother and sister and I would make up stories about different superhero teams like the Foodmen, or the Animalmen. When I was in school I would occasionally get the urge to write a story but I could never come up with a plot. I wrote songs about my life. I helped my brother build a micro-nation and wrote and entire constitution, bill of rights, and started to invent a language for the great Bardusterram. But in the business category, I've always had trouble sticking with ideas. The one that keeps coming to mind is building a restaurant, but I know next to nothing about how to do that. That's why I've been going to school, to learn those skills, but I can't jump through the hoops that they want me to.
So what am I supposed to do? Just drop out and start a business? I'd love to, to be honest, but I don't feel confident in my skills right now and I definitely don't have the money to do that. I have no idea how I'd interest anybody with the money to start up a company to give that money to me. I don't have some earth-shattering idea. I'm not Steve Jobs, or Mark Zuckerberg, or Richard Branson, or anybody you hear of with piles of money because they "thought outside the box." My idea is to take something I love, frybread, and sell it to people in a restaurant setting. That's it. I have no idea if it would be successful. I have no idea if it would be profitable. I don't even know if it would break even. All I know is that anybody I know that has had Native American Frybread has loved it. So maybe there's someone out there that would go with me on that idea, but I doubt it. I don't see my friends as risk takers, it's hard to be, with the world we live in.
Anyway, if you've found this blog it might be because I shared the link on Facebook, or it could be that you don't know me and you've stumbled upon it accidentally. In any case, thank you for reading the crazy thoughts of a guy that just feels like he let himself down. . .
Thank You.
