Why Try?

I'm getting frustrated. I feel hopeless. I started college four and a half years ago and I just can't seem to do it right. Why does everybody else seem to have a handle on life? I was excited that my paycheck today was over $400. Four Hundred dollars is not a lot for a married guy trying to figure out how he's going to pay for a new apartment when he has to leave the one he's in. I know that everybody has their problems, and I should be happy for the things I do have, but sometimes it feels like I'm alone.

So what brought on this malaise, you may ask? Well, I decided to check my grades for last semester today and let's just say they aren't good. I only took two classes and I did my best in those classes, but certain circumstances made me unable to do certain things. The biggest problem was financial aid. It took so long for my school to get the money that by the time I got it all sorted out, it was almost finals. I had gone the whole semester without my books and, for one class at least, I needed that book to do the homework. I remembered every test and I passed most of them, but without the homework I was doomed.

I'm just sick of always feeling like the work I do isn't good enough. I pay attention in class, I attend as much of class as I can, I learn the material, I take notes, I prove my understanding to the teacher, I take the tests, but even with all of that I get in trouble because I can't adequately define in words what a "measure of significance" is. At work, I will take my clients all around town, I will take two people shopping in one day, I will make four different dinners and I will do it all within four hours and I barely get a "thanks." I just feel hopeless.

I'm tempted to post a link to this on Facebook, but I don't know if I should. I'm always afraid I'll get a bunch of comments that say something like, "It'll all get better," or, "At least you don't have such-and-such a problem." I know people are trying to be supportive, but I want real advice. What do I need to do to get my life where I want it? How does someone who sucks in school become successful in real life? Honestly, some of the only times I fell like I'm actually succeeding are when I'm playing with my band and the lead singer turns to me and says, "I like that!" Why can't I have more of that in my life? A boss that recognizes the work I do. A teacher that can see that I understand the material, even if I can't afford a book. A single person that's willing to build me up when I do my best and hold me up when I'm falling.

I know I should be thankful I have a job, or that I have the opportunity to get an education, or that I can afford to have a car. And I am. But an education is empty if it's just a series of filling out papers with the right answers. A job isn't fulfilling if you never get recognized for the work you do. A car is useless if you aren't able to adequately maintain it.

I have some ideas about what I want to do with my life. I always remember when I was a kid in Junior High, I think, and I heard in a class about what an entrepreneur was. I remember that at that moment I said to myself, "That's what I want to do." It wasn't just about the being my own boss, and I still have that dream even though I know that it means massive amounts of work. I think I've always had a drive to create something. I was four when I asked my mom to teach me to play the piano. As I kid my brother and sister and I would make up stories about different superhero teams like the Foodmen, or the Animalmen. When I was in school I would occasionally get the urge to write a story but I could never come up with a plot. I wrote songs about my life. I helped my brother build a micro-nation and wrote and entire constitution, bill of rights, and started to invent a language for the great Bardusterram. But in the business category, I've always had trouble sticking with ideas. The one that keeps coming to mind is building a restaurant, but I know next to nothing about how to do that. That's why I've been going to school, to learn those skills, but I can't jump through the hoops that they want me to.

So what am I supposed to do? Just drop out and start a business? I'd love to, to be honest, but I don't feel confident in my skills right now and I definitely don't have the money to do that. I have no idea how I'd interest anybody with the money to start up a company to give that money to me. I don't have some earth-shattering idea. I'm not Steve Jobs, or Mark Zuckerberg, or Richard Branson, or anybody you hear of with piles of money because they "thought outside the box." My idea is to take something I love, frybread, and sell it to people in a restaurant setting. That's it. I have no idea if it would be successful. I have no idea if it would be profitable. I don't even know if it would break even. All I know is that anybody I know that has had Native American Frybread has loved it. So maybe there's someone out there that would go with me on that idea, but I doubt it. I don't see my friends as risk takers, it's hard to be, with the world we live in.

Anyway, if you've found this blog it might be because I shared the link on Facebook, or it could be that you don't know me and you've stumbled upon it accidentally. In any case, thank you for reading the crazy thoughts of a guy that just feels like he let himself down. . .

Thank You.

Josh Powell

Man, after my whole Casey Anthony rant last July, I kinda felt like I was different from everybody else. I felt like I didn't identify with the rest of the country. Well now I realize that I didn't have any idea what that felt like. Now I know what it's like to have an opinion that's different from everybody in the country.

Unlike Casey Anthony's situation, which I only started paying attention to while the trial was happening, I have been aware of the Susan Powell case for at least a year and a half. I've was following the story when they searched for her in Nevada and in Utah's west desert. I know that they found human material on some charred wood, and I, like the rest of the nation wondered if it was part of the remains of Susan Powell. I was aware of Steven Powell's arrest for Voyeurism and Child Pornography. I followed the custody battle between Josh Powell and Chuck and Judy Cox. I turned the TV on Sunday evening and saw the footage of the fire that Josh lit to kill himself and his two young boys. What I'm trying to say is that I've been following this with some degree of interest.

First of all, the main reason I'm going to say what I'm going to say is because of my feelings on the media. I think that the media feels a need with every story to make one player the villain and one the hero. In the case of Susan Powell's disappearance Josh has been the villain while his in-laws, the Cox's, are the heroes. I will agree that there is something very suspicious about leaving in the middle of the night in below freezing temperatures for a camping trip, but until there is concrete evidence that Josh's wife was in that car when they left and not when they got back then there's no reason why it couldn't just be one of those weird things that people do, like how my brother watches "My Little Pony." Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that just because someone's suspicious doesn't mean they're guilty.

Second, I think that we need to realize that, if we operate under the assumption that Josh Powell did not kill his wife (which assumption I will operate under because of that whole "innocent until proven guilty" thing), he has had a pretty traumatic last two years. Between his wife's disappearance, his sister essentially disowning him, his father's arrest, and his children being taken away from him he seems to have lost a lot of family members. I don't condone the murder of his two children, don't get me wrong, it takes some serious problems to do what he did to those boys, but the suicide I understand. If I had my wife, sister, father, and (as of now, nonexistent) children taken from me within two years, and was being constantly hounded by the media, vilified by my in-laws, and generally hated by everyone, by all means I would want to end it. Unfortunately, Josh chose to end his suffering in a way that continues to make him a villain. If it had just been him that died, maybe more people would have felt bad, but the way he ended his life causes us to wonder what could possess someone to do such a terrible thing. I suggest that before we pass judgement on him, we think about how much of what he did we would do in that situation. Hopefully we can see that, although the act was evil, the actor was not necessarily so. He needed help and we as a country refused to help him. So to those few like me, who feel like this tragedy could have been prevented if only the media hadn't vilified him, if only we hadn't eaten up the media's poison about another human being, just remember, you aren't alone out there.

11-11-11

Today is November 11th, 2011, or 11-11-11. I agree with people that it is a bit of a novelty, being all ones, but is it as special as some people make it out to be. People are so excited to be getting married today that on the news I saw a line of people outside a courthouse just to file the papers to get married. I read an article a week or so ago in the newspaper about a woman who was adamant that she get married on either 10-10-10, 11-11-11, or 12-12-12, and she got today. I've been seeing 11-11-11 all over the place for the past month and, honestly, it's been bugging me a lot. I don't think I really realized why it bugged me so much until this morning at work.

I work at a job that takes care of developmentally disabled people and in the mornings I go to their houses and help them get ready for the day. As I was leaving one house this morning I noticed a flag on the lawn, placed there by the local boy scout troop in honor of Veterans Day. And that's when it hit me, today should be about veterans not the novelty.

Veterans Day has always been somewhat important to me, probably because it's the day after my birthday. Ever since I found out that Veterans Day was November 11th I have observed it in the very least by announcing to people that it's Veterans Day. This year however, Veterans Day has a more personal meaning to me. I feel that on Veterans Day we should not only honor those who have served in the armed forces but also those who are serving right now, regardless of their technical status as a "veteran." A few months ago my brother-in-law, husband of my sister, was deployed to Afghanistan. I'm gonna be honest about this and if he's reading, don't hate me for saying this. When I first met my Brother-in-law, Kelson, I found him annoying. When he dated my sister, I found him even more annoying, and when they got engaged was extremely annoyed, but something has happened. I've realized that Kelson is exactly what my sister needs and therefore exactly what my family needs. To hear that he was deployed was like hearing that my own brother had been deployed. I know that it's affected my sister, even if she puts the happy face on it whenever I talk to her. In the end though, Kelson is family.

This is for Kelson. Don't do anything stupid out there Kelson, because my sister needs you and we need you. I may still think you're kind of a doofus, but as Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly said, "You're part of my crew." So do what you need to do and get home safe.

Being an individual

I wonder about "individuals." What do people think being an individual is? I think that the most common definition is that being an individual means not doing things that everyone else does, but I feel like that explains everybody and nobody at the same time. On the one hand, everybody has their own things that they do, nobody really is an exact copy of anybody else. At the same time, most of the things we do we're only aware of because other people do those things. The guy at school might seem like he's really out of the ordinary because he's wearing a cape, until you see the other girl that wears a cape as well. Similarly, to all other eyes a person may seem like he conforms to social norms, but then you realize that person is a brony(That one's for you little brother). So really, what makes someone an "individual?"

In my opinion, an individual is not someone who chooses what they do based on how they feel about social rules. I always get tired of those people who enjoy something and then get tired of it because "everybody's doing it." An individual is someone who unabashedly does what they enjoy. If you're a brony, don't hide it, wear that t-shirt. If you like the way a cape feels, wear it for that reason, not because nobody else wears it. I own and wear two fedoras, not because I support snobby fedora wearers and not because I am opposed to those that don't wear fedoras. I wear my fedoras because I like them, they make me happy. If it makes you happy to wear the latest styles, then be an individual and wear the latest styles. If it makes you happy to wear a cape in public, do that.

Anyway, I just have something against people who say they're an individual when I don't think they are. I think they are just doing things because they don't want to conform. Conformity doesn't have to take away individuality and non-conformity does not add individuality.

Casey Anthony Trial

So, I was at home yesterday, turned on the news, and the anchorman was telling me that in just a little while I would hear the verdict of the Casey Anthony Trial. So I stuck around to see that verdict and to be honest, I'm not as pissed off about it as everybody else seems to be. Allow me to explain why.


First off, I have been following this trial to some degree. I work every morning from 6:30 to 8:30 am and have the opportunity to catch the news in that time. This means that I get the tail end of my local morning news and then I get the Today show. At 7:30 every morning for the past month, the Today show has covered what happened the day before in the Casey Anthony trial. I was aware of the evidence the prosecution had against Casey. I heard sound bites of testimony. I saw the prosecution and defense bicker like an old married couple over things I didn't understand. I saw so many pictures of Caylee and Casey that I have them permanently etched in my brain. What I'm saying is that I was very aware of this case, and a few things bugged me.


I should mention first of all that just before the trial started my sister wrote on Facebook:

I believe that quote helped me to look at the case in a more objective light. Yes, there are suspicious things about Casey's behavior, her lying, her car, etc. But just because you have suspicions doesn't mean you're right. All the evidence I saw in this case was circumstantial. There was no concrete proof that Casey murdered her daughter. And I can tell that I'm not the only person that believes that. Twelve jurors agreed that the evidence the prosecution brought forth was not enough to find Casey guilty of murder, manslaughter, or child abuse.


I think the reason people are so angry is because, first of all, very few people have a complete understanding of what happened in that trial. This trial was going from 9am to 5pm five days a week and 8:30am to 1pm on Saturdays, that's 44 hours and 30 minutes a week. When all was said and done there was over 230 hours spent in court on this trial, just over a week and a half. Are there any of us who had the time to sit down and watch that every day for a month? Were we there for the whole thing, or were we (like me) just getting little snippets on the news every morning and evening along with somebody analyzing it with the preconceived notion that Casey was a killer? I believe that the jury knew what it was doing in this case and that the verdict they arrived at was a demonstration of the justice system working in America.


I closing, give Casey a break, she has had to put up with your vile, hateful, toxic, attitude toward a situation of hers that you know nothing about. Stop treating her like scum and treat her, like my sister said, with respect.


Update: I just found this article from one of the jurors in the case. 

I got something stuck in my craw. . .

Y'know what my problem is? Well I gotta few. I'm not particularly good looking (which isn't that big a deal because I'm married, in fact that's not even really a problem now, considering I am married and would like to remain married), I'm kind of an airhead, I'm easily distracted, and so forth. But this isn't supposed to be about what's wrong with me, it's what's wrong with everybody else. That problem, my dear friends, is that we live in a society where people don't want to accept the consequences of their actions. I remember growing up and being taught that when you make a choice you have to deal with the consequences (I seem to remember some video in first grade involving a dragon or something talking about choices and consequences, but I don't remember it extremely well). Sure, people understand this concept on the surface, "If I'm not nice to my significant other they will leave me," or "If I eat this poisonous plant I will die." What gets me is how many people will make a choice, not like it, and then try to avoid unpleasant consequences.

The best example I have of this is abortion. We all learn that babies come from sex, it's just how babies happen, unless you're Angelina Jolie, in which case babies come from third world countries. Anyway, it is possible for a woman to avoid sex in most cases and it is also possible for a woman to, if she is having sex, avoid getting pregnant (again there are case where some things are unavoidable, but those are unsavory and I don't wish to discuss them today). I imagine that if a woman a) chooses to have sex and b) does not use contraception, then if she wake up one morning puking and finds out she has a baby growing inside her, she should totally not be surprised. It's the natural consequence of the choices she made. but in society today it is becoming more and more acceptable to avoid that consequence by getting an abortion, which in my mind is basically like saying, "So what if I made a stupid decision, I shouldn't have to deal with the logical course of events following that stupid decision."

My second example could be a touchy one for some people, but y'know what? The internet is a place where people say things they won't say out loud because they aren't jerky enough, so here I go. I have no problems with people who say they have ADD or ADHD, in many cases those are things that can actually make it very difficult for a person to function in school, work, or general social situations. What I have a problem with is parents who seem to not want to deal with the consequences of the decision they made to have children. I don't have kids yet, but I was raised with six younger siblings, so I am aware that children can be loud, needy, rambunctious, and so forth. I am aware that raising children will be hard when my wife and I start doing so. But if my kid is having trouble in school I'm going to try every other option I can before telling a doctor, "yeah, he probably has ADHD, what meds can we give him?" I feel like there are too many parents out there that don't want to deal with a kid who has ADHD and will put them on medication. When someone is put on medication early in life, what does that teach them? That if you're having trouble with something you just need to pop a pill and all your troubles will go away. Does anyone else think that sounds like someone who's likely to grow up abusing drugs? And those parents, what is their rationale? "I know kids can be difficult, but I didn't know it would be this difficult, if only there was some magic pill that made my child easier to deal with so I could have a break." I'm here to tell you something parents, you never get a break, I'm 23, married, and live 100 miles from my parent and they still don't get a break from me, my grandparents still worry about and deal with their children's problems. Kids don't just go away and they don't just magically become perfect specimens of calm focus. It's not going to happen.

In all, I'm saying, look at what you're doing in life, what your beliefs are. If you think that there are situations where someone shouldn't deal with the consequences of their actions, maybe you should re-think that point of view. But if you don't, whatever, your loss I guess.

. . .sorry. . .

So, Y'all remember that schedule thing I was going to do? Yeah, I kinda screwed up, various events have zapped my desire to write a blog about silly things like that. In any case I think I'll go back to just writing what interests me at the time, which at this time is making sure my massive throngs of followers aren't disappointed that I haven't been writing. I am still alive everyone, but I'd like to know what I should write about. Give me some ideas, okay, i think I'll keep doing the R-Wad but I don't know when, as for SCuF, it takes so long, so unless I can outsource it to someone that has much more reliable internet access and a ton more free time than I do, I don't know if I can continue doing it weekly. Sorry. You'll be hearing from me soon, hopefully.